Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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