The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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