Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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