Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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