Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
