I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
