You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize