Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
