My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
