Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
