i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
