Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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