you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
