better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
