she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
