You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
