I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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