Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
