some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
