Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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