i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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