i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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