I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize