last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
