just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
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