Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
