She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize