i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
