I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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