You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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