he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
