That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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