Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
