I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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