please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
