True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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