omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
