Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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