They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
