i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
