I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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