How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
