Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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