M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
