Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
