I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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