it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
