It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
