I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
