I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
