you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
