Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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