he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I won't apologize to a one balled man
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
