i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
