I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He? As in you personified your dick?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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