I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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