i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize