Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
