I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
