did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
