he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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