I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
