God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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