i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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